BOOSH'S DRUNK TEXTS FROM SAN DIEGO

To: D, Jimmy
Time: 1030pm Pacific time, 130am Eastern Time

It's only 1030 here and you're a pussy

BREAKING NEWS: LEBRON JAMES CAUGHT CHEATING WITH 40 DIFFERENT WOMEN

CLEVELAND -

The National Enquirer is reporting that 40 different women have had sexual intercourse with LeBron James. The Cavaliers have issued no statement at this time and LeBron's agent could not be reached for comment.

The women come from all cities throughout the country. Notably, and perhaps not surprisingly, the women hail from other cities that host an NBA team.

Most peculiar of all, many of his mistresses allege that he can only do it in a room plastered with Vlade Divac posters while watching videotaped footage of car accidents.

Let's address each of these allegations separately:
Room plastered with Vlade Divac posters. This is a very disturbing thought. LeBron James, King James, all that bull shit, can only be sexually stimulated in the presence of Vlade Divac? Vlade may have been finishing up just as LeBron was starting his career, which means that LeBron grew up not only watching Divac in the NBA, but apparently idolizing it. Further peculiar is the fact that Vlade Divac was a center, a typical big man, where as LeBron can play the 1,2 or 3.

The videotaped footage of car accidents. Well, this is a little less disturbing than Vlade Divac, but still horrifying. As for the mistresses, I'm sure vlade was somewhat acceptable, but how does LeBron justify turning on his DVD of car accident footage during foreplay? What goes through a girls mind when she goes reverse cowgirl, surrounded by images of sweaty Vlade Divac grabbing rebounds, while LeBron watches mack trucks absolutely decimate minivans filled with innocent families?

Tiger Woods may have gone to sex rehab and apologized for it. LeBron James may need more than sex rehab to help himself with this problem. In fact, it's quite possible that LeBron should be committed.

In other words, Happy Birthday Brian, and may all of your future ideas come to as good a fruition.

-- Boosh

I’ll Open Pandora’s Box Any Day

Is everybody using Pandora Radio yet? It may be one of the greatest websites of all time. I’ll go so far as to say it’s up there with Wikipedia, YouTube, and Urban Dictionary. If you listen to music then you should agree. For those of you not yet familiar with Pandora, here’s a brief rundown:

Pandora.com is essentially internet radio that’s customized to each individual user. It’s better than regular radio because it only plays music you like, and there are fewer and shorter commercials. It’s also better than making your own playlists because it takes much less effort and lets you listen to new music and other stuff you’ve never heard. To start creating your own radio station you select an artist or even a specific song that you like. The site then starts playing other music that has similar qualities. You can constantly improve your own station by adding new songs/artists to the model and indicating that you like/dislike any song that plays. Pandora has this thing down to a science. For example, let’s say you clicked “Why was this song selected?” for “Don’t Stop the Music” by Rihanna (umm…this might be a hypothetical example). The site would tell you “Based on what you’ve told us so far, we’re playing this track because it features modern R&B stylings, electronica influences, disco influences, groove based composition, and interweaving vocal harmony.” Sweeeet.

The awesomeness of Pandora got me to thinking: how can this be expanded to other services besides music? My resulting idea was almost TOO brilliant: PandoraMatch.com. (take notes JimmyJames, this could be your next get-rich-quick scheme). Naturally PandoraMatch.com would employ Pandora Radio’s model of matching users to music they like by matching them to singles they could date and/or hook up with. Let’s see how this would work (for the purposes of this example, the user will be a heterosexual dude):

You’d start by naming chicks you had a good experience with and indicating that you like or dislike others: “Like” the girl at Bank of America (great physical shape, nice smile, not too aggressive in trying to sell me shitty banking products); “Dislike” the girl at Subway (she’s pretty nice but I can’t understand a word she says, and she’s less attractive than Jared).

The site would then start recommending other single ladies. While we’re at it, they might as well include photos and a short profile on the site so you can eliminate some without leaving the house. The more you used it, the better PandoraMatch would get. “Based on what you’ve told us so far, we’re recommending this chick because she is age 22-34, has long hair, non-blue eyes, B-cups or larger, is college-educated, and likes Oreo ice cream.”

What are some other features of Pandora Radio that could be used by PandoraMatch.com? Click “I’m tired of this bitch” and the site would keep her in your queue but not recommend her again for at least a month (we’ve all been there). You could also use “Send to a Friend”, like when you realize a chick is jacked and could probably bench press you. “Here you go Rocco.”

- D

Why the Saints won

It had nothing to do with God, and I find it strange if New Orleans is going to insist that God likes them. Hurricanes aside, Bourbon St. has over 20 strip clubs in a 6 block radius. That just doesn't scream "God loves Nola" to me.

Let's get to the real reasons. The Colts undoubtedly played better throughout the game. Manning had all the time in the world and the Saints kept on blitzing. A cornerback jumps a route near the end and all of the sudden the Saints defense was great? Negative. The Saints continued to blitz despite failing miserably and managed to force an interception.

So why did the Colts lose? Bill Polian. Outside of Bill Polian, I find the Colts extremely likeable. However, that whackjob of a general manager is the reason the Colts lost. He upset the football Gods. The Colts pissed off the football Gods by throwing their undefeated season. Talk about one of the most cowardly moves of all time. All of the players were devastated. The coach was pissed. Everyone on the team was pissed. Just giving up in the middle of the game and putting in the bench players?

For what?! to save people for the Super Bowl?! Then why did Manning play half the game in a blizzard the next week in Buffalo? Face it. The Colts didnt have the guts to go for an undefeated season and you HONESTLY thought the Gods would allow them to win a superbowl?

Even taking the "football Gods" out of the topic, what kind of team wants to play for a pansy leader like Bill Polian. I can't help but feel bad for the Colts. They have the greatest quarterback of all time (Manning is better than Brady) and what do they have to show for it? 1 Super Bowl?! Against Rex Grossman?! HAHAHAHA. It's pathetic. The blame falls squarely on Bill Polian. He built one hell of a regular season team, but unless they are facing cupcake teams like the 2006 Chicago Bears, the Colts may never win another championship again.

I'm really sick of the Peyton Manning bashing too. He's better than Brady. Peyton Manning's interception was a better pass than 90% of Brady's completions this year. The reality is, the Colts just simply did not deserve to win. It was gutless of them to throw away their undefeated season. It was presumptious to say they were doing it so they could win the Superbowl.

Take for example, the New England Patriots, who went undefeated and lost by 3 points on a fluke catch (which was incredible) but a fluke. Then, we have the 14-2 Indianaopolis Colts who lost by double digits. Bill Polian singlehandedly turned a memorable season into just a standard Colts season.

Despite being happy for the Saints, I've never felt worse for the Colts.

-- Boosh

Where Has JimmyJames Been?

Hey you hear about Jimmy????............. HES BACK MANGGGGGGG



First of all, sorry for my absence everyone (I'm not sorry) , but JimmyJames has been traveling the world and making it a better place for everyone .... What have you guys been doin???.. exactly....... dooshbags........ Lets take a look at some photos I took of my travels in case you need proof.


Oh I'm sorry, but while you were going for the high score in free cell at work I .......

Came in first in Global Guts and took home a piece of the Agro Crag .....

Saved a puppy from drowning.....





Tried out for American Idol (FAIL)




Saved another puppy from drowning.... ( Ur welcome)





Had a guest spot on " Full House"





Saved a puppy from a house fire



And got absolutely embarrassed in "Teen Jeopardy"





Alright there's some of the pics from my trip, I'll try to get some more up , but right now I have some puppies to save....... peace



JimmyJaMeS

Tiger Woods New Sponsor

I gotta give the other JH (John Harrison) credit for this one. He sent it on an email while i was in and out of consciousness at my desk at work..... and I got a little chuckle out of it .

This was the common reaction from the actions that took place in my post below (see post below).......I'm not proud of myself.....

Things Not to Do on The Orange Line

What not to do : Assume that the group of chinese people standing to the left of you are all getting off at the China Town Stop so you move out of the way for them when the doors open.



Why?!


It makes the next 6 stops on the way to Sullivan Sq . very awkward..... and when they get off and get on the same bus as you ,its just painful.

JJ

Valentines Day...really?

It probably surprises nobody that I hate Valentines Day. Even when I was in committed relationships, Valentines Day always proved itself to be pretty lame. Granted, I haven't been in a committed relationship in almost 3 years, so maybe I'm beginning to lose some credibility. But seriously, why does this holiday exist? To make single people feel lonely? To reinforce some sort of idea that being in a relationship is better than alfredo sauce?

I mean, guys have to unload all this money on jewelry, roses, all this BS stuff. For what? Why?! I don't get it! It's all bullshit. Just like Christmas is now. Driven by consumerism. If people want to use Valentines Day as a way to express some appreciation, then fine. But stop with the excessive spending and the phony BS. If anything at all, I implore everyone to spend Valentines Day with your friends. Let's face it, if you're in a relationship with someone, you already spend WAY too much time with them at the expense of your friends.

Stop being some mindless droid that just does what you're told. Think about Valentines Day and why you're actually spending all this money. Is it really necessary? Why? It's a bogus holiday just like President's Day. But at least we get a day off for that in the public sector.

And no, I dont feel this way about St. Patrick's Day. The Irish deserve St. Patrick's Day. Is it a little odd that only Irish Americans get a special day? Yes. I will concede that. But, Italian Americans are pretty well celebrated in other ways. Yet, German-Americans may have a beef. There are many German-Americans that came over in the 20th century and they dont get much recognition.

In fact, let this be a shout out to German culture. German food is SO good. Germans are celebrated for their beer, their love for soccer, and their love for sex. Italians are the romantics, but the Germans just get right down to it. In fact, I should open up a German restaurant.

Wow, I really got off on a tangent here. Let me just say that things have been pretty crazy for me lately in terms of school winding down. I'll be graduating in May and studying for the bar so I've got a pretty daunting road ahead of me. Since I'm the only one that posts anymore, I just want to say I'm going to do my best to keep this blog fresh. But at the same time, I don't want to force myself to write anything because then the blog will probably become hackneyed and stale. Patience, whatever readers are left.

For what it's worth, I'll give you some updates on how the original members are doing. D is currently working in New Jersey, he'll be there for another week or two. Overall, he seems to be doing alot better since the end of 2009. Rocco is still working with retards but is gearing up for his first season as the head coach of Lesley baseball. I'm actually pretty pumped about that still as it has become evident they will be one of the better teams in the Boston area with the demise of the Red Sox. Jimmy? well, anyone who knows Jimmy probably knows exactly how Jimmy is doing.

Alright, so yeah, I'm heading to Tennessee in a week so I'll be gone yet again for an extended period of time. The South is a pretty interesting place. no doubt I'll be hitting up more Waffle Houses on the way. Say what you want about the South, but its got Waffle Houses, and Sonic, and all those other awesome chains that never make it up to the Northeast. What a bummer.
Alright, I'm off for now. Stay in touch folks!

-- Boosh

Brett Favre died for our sins

Brett Favre died last night when authorities found him hanging from a cross in his backyard. It is said that Brett, who had recently appointed himself the King of Jews II, will return again to Judge the Living and the Dead. His will mentioned nothing of his estate, but was adamant about being buried in a tomb with a big boulder. On the Sunday after his death, he insists that we all go near the tomb so we can watch him ascend to heaven and wonder how he escaped from the tomb.

Brett wants you all to know that he gave his life to save us from our sins. In fact, he demands that we all know because he has paid for TV crews to provide 24 hour live coverage of his tomb so we can watch him limp out and remark about how "tough" he is and how he plays with nothing but "heart" and "soul." Brett has already published an autobiography and you can find them in hotel rooms and church pews.

Brett performed numerous miracles in his life. He won a Superbowl. He threw for a bunch of TD passes a few days after his father, Joseph, passed away. He also threw for the most career NFL interceptions.

Brett was loved by everyone and was noted for his extreme loyalty to his followers. When he told his followers something, he always stuck to his word.

I may not know how Brett Favre managed to crucify himself. But I do know why: He died for my sins. He died for all of our sins. But most importantly, whether he's limping on TV or crying in a press conference, he wants us to know about his sacrifice. After all, if there is one thing Brett Favre can teach us, prophets have to convince the world of their divinity.



In the name of the Father, Brett Favre, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

-- Boosh

Did D just drop a treat?

It wasnt much, but I do believe D posted something to the blog. As for the content, I don't know what else I can say. It was cold, and Nan Ling was a good 15 minutes away. D was the one who brought it up and I obliged. We may have looked ridiculous, but when you consider we were going to Nan Ling, we still might have been the most normal of the patrons.

Speaking of Nan Ling. Can you find a much worse Chinese food place? It takes you hours to get your crappy overpriced food. The service not only sucks, but they are rude to you. They take forever to make meaningless orders and they arent even open 24 hours. Can we please get ONE Chinese food place open 24 hours in boston? PLEASE? Just one?

To give Nan Ling competition all you would have to do is be open late and treat me like a human being to obtain my business. Overprice your food, take forever making it, but dont be an asshole to me and consider me your most loyal customer. Nan Ling makes it so easy to hate and yet I still go back for more. So who is the fool? The fool or the one who follows him?

Has anyone seen Jimmy James or Rocco for that matter? Does anyone want to start writing for this blog once I take it over for good?

This Superbowl looks average. Nobody wants to see the Colts win obviously. The weird thing is, the Colts arent really that hated. Colts fans hate the Patriots, but lets face it, the Patriots dont really hate the Colts that much. That being said, I'm going to root against the Colts because I, like most of America, would like to see the Saints win their first Superbowl. They are a very likeable team and hell, I was just in Nola so why wouldnt I launch my support for a city that treated me so well?

-- Boosh

Texts From Boosh's Night

(978): Just so we are clear, we did, in fact, do a 2 man indian sprint to nan ling last night



-Lloyd "D" Christmas

Jersey Shore

Chris Rock came out with a famous bit in 1996 titled "niggas vs. black people" in which he comically detailed how the acts of a select few group of black people were giving the race itself a bad name throughout the country. The act has been most recently referenced by a Father's Day Speech that President Obama made, and I'm sure most of you who watch the Office remember the references to it on "Diversity Day" with Steve Carell.

The parallel to Jersey Shore is blatantly obvious to Italian-Americans. Too often, I hear people justify watching this show because this isn't REALLY Italian-Americans, it's "guidos from Jersey Shore." In other words, as long as you, the individual, can make a distinction that you are not treating this as indicative of Italian-Americans, then you find it acceptable and enjoyable to watch.

First of all, only other Italian-Americans can have a legitimate opinion on how I react to the show so if you arent, I would suggest you plug your holes since you'll never know what it's like to be an Italian-American or what it means. Second of all, that attitude itself is very lousy. Simply because you find it acceptable to watch, all of the sudden that makes it ok for everyone else? What about the 12 year old who starts making slurs towards Italian Americans because he watches that show?

I'm not calling for censorship. I hate censorship. I'm not calling for anything. I am expressing a large disappointment in those who watch Jersey Shore. MTV itself is insufferable, but those of you who watch allow these things to exist. All you did was perpetuate the crap that continues to dominate this world and reduce human beings to complacent robots. Don't believe me? Look at how everyone jumped through the hoop in the election last week? Since when does a special election require the specially educated to announce their support for a political figure when in reality they have no idea the implications and ramifications of the political process. Yet, all last week people played their roles, which served nothing more than to self aggrandize and polarize. I see right through all of you. If you have nothing better to do with your life than watch Jersey Shore at any given moment, what does that say about you?

Here's what it says: You're all so dramatic about your insecurities that watching other peoples pathetic drama is exactly what you need to stomach yourself. but then again, maybe that's why these shows are so successful. So go ahead. watch the next garbage show that MTV puts out so you can feel better about your life. Then the next, then the next. Then get married and reproduce so we can have 3 more retards who watch it. Then they'll reproduce and we can continue to de-evolve as a society as the morons exponentially increase while intelligent people will blow their brains out in frustration.

In summary, I think less of anyone who chooses to watch Jersey Shore. Considering all of the ways to entertain yourself in a world filled with opportunities to numb your mind, choosing Jersey Shore pretty much tells me exactly what I need to know about you.

-- Boosh

BOOSH IS BACK MANG

Geez, you go to texas, louisiana, and mississippi for a couple weeks and the entire blog falls apart. Can't say I'm shocked. First of all, welcome to 2010 everyone. I hope you all had a good new year and by that I mean I hope you all went to a house party instead of paying 200 dollar cover charges for inaccessible open bars and a tiny glass of champagne.

New Years is a pretty shitty holiday. There is absolutely nothing good about New Years unless you follow the fresh start mantra. And sure, while alot of you may say that you do, are you really getting a fresh start by getting hammered with your friends and making out with the closest person next to you at midnight?

AND WHEN THE HELL DID THAT BECOME A TRADITION. When I was a kid it used to be just celebrating, hugging and drinking sparkling cider. Since when does slipping tongue become so acceptable I have to watch Sailor Bob get to first base in Times Square on live television with some insecure tramp from Southern CT? Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesnt Seacrest host these things now? Yeah. Like I really needed more excuses to hate New Years Eve. They make it too easy.

Now sure, we dont even have to get into my own history of New Years parties and the events revolving James Hamilton. But I will say this, New Years Day tends to be pretty fun. A good day with the family...lots of Chinese and Italian food to go around. This may only be my family, but New Years Day is done pretty well. Go around the table and do the bull shit new years resolutions.

My New Years Resolution is to like Taylor Swift. So far...so good. For a blonde, she is fairly attractive. We all know I am a brunette guy. But my goal isnt to find her attractive...it's just to like her. So far so good. The few times I hear her songs, I try to keep them on. I'm not saying I'm going to get a poster of her and hang it in my room but let's look at her benefits: She's classy. she's not some 16 year old tramp parading around in her underwear grinding on lunchboxes (Miley Cyrus). She's also not the sequel to Hansen (Jonas Brothers). Also, as the victim of Kanye West's ego, I find it so much easier to rally behind her.

I know I've done it once already on this blog but I'm just going to say TOLD YA SO to every fucking moron Kanye West fan out there. I said right from the start he was full of shit. Now all you former fans are jumping on my bandwagon. Well get off of it, because he will come out with a new album in 3 years and you'll probably pretend you never left him in the first place (Justin Timberlake).

So anyways, you heard it here...I am a Taylor Swift fan

Alright, I still have the Decade in Reviews to do, so dont think I forgot about those. Obviously I will tell some Texan and New Orleans tales as well as I get settled back into normalcy. I'd like to apologize for the lack of treats, but its not my apology to make as I have been nowhere near the internet. blame the other retards in the right column.

-- Boosh