Last Friday night and early Saturday morning presented a classic Who Dunnit story for the ages at the humble confines of Rocco's apartment. It was quite the evening of party bussing and dancing, but the night was coming to a close and I elected to sleep at Rocco's for the evening. So, I woke up Jimmy, who was sleeping along with half of the others on the bus and pulled him off the bus.
What does sleeping at Rocco's usually entail? It sometimes involves sleeping in the same bed with another guy. It usually involves sleeping pretty uncomfortably. It almost always involves blacking out. But it ALWAYS involves ordering Chinese Food from Golden House.
So here was the situation when we strolled in at 2am. No Power. that's right. The power was out. Completely dark. Rocco ordered the food and the three of us proceeded to sit down together in the pitch black to wait for our food. Well, within 2 minutes Jimmy was snoring, which left me and rocco. Now, many of you are thinking this was the perfect opportunity for sexual activity and for Rocco to make his move. Well, it was the perfect opportunity, but he didnt take advantage.
Instead, we thought it best to call D and leave him voicemails at 230am. Rocco and I switched off until we had successfully left 9 different voicemails of which I got to listen to the next day. We impersonated Billy Mays, Hulk Hogan, and special education students, to name a few themes.
Unfortunately, this is where the memory ends and the mystery begins. The next thing that happened, according to all of our versions of the events was this:
The Hebrew Hammer and Rocco's roommate screams "WHO LEFT THE FRIDGE OPEN?" Rocco, who had somehow went from passing out on the couch to his bed, screams "WHERE THE FUCK IS THE CHINESE FOOD?" Jimmy was still snoring from 8 hours ago. I woke up with a glass of water next to me, in Fields bed. Well sure enough, the Chinese food was in the fridge. The bag hadn't been opened yet. but it was there. The fridge door was wide open, but yet the Chinese food was not.
So then began the debate, we all fell asleep before the Chinese food came, so how could someone have got it? Rocco had 3 missed calls from the Chinese food delivery guy when he woke up. Rocco paid for it with his credit card. At some point in the night, Rocco had moved from the couch to his bed. Not to mention, his bed was conveniently sitting next to the kitchen downstairs, while the Hammer and Fields bed were on the top floor. All signs pointed to rocco.
But then, the mystery began to unravel. First of all, where did Boosh get that glass of water? All of the cups were downstairs. So Boosh had to have gone down at one point that night. So just when things seemed like they were impossible of being solved, I reached down into my pocket and felt paper. not money. No, it was a receipt. Sure enough. I had the Chinese food receipt in my pocket.
How did I answer Rocco's phone? did I hear it? did I sign his name? why did i not even open it? why did i put it directly in the fridge and then leave the fridge wide open while the POWER WAS OUT? Most importantly, why were the three of us eating it now after it had been sitting out for almost 12 hours?
So many mysteries from that Friday night. When the power goes out, I guess people just start acting all crazy. I'm pretty sure the Amish dont have power so this shit must happen to them all the time.
Drunk text of the night (No I wasnt involved for once)
"I'm in love you your friend. hook it up tits...good work tonight. Rockdaddy."
Well, we all know who sent it. But let's analyze this. First of all, Rocco was humping this girl, he wasnt dancing. I've seen better moves when a Golden Retriver mounted D's leg. She surprisingly went along with it which is why she seemed so cool. So, girl who can endure prolonged Rocco humpage = Love.
The next part I'd like to analyze is "hook it up tits." You're texting this girls friend and asking her to hook you up with her friend. That's fine. But, tits? We all know Rocco is calling her tits as Rocco uses the word tits as a term of endearment. Like I say, what's up buddy. A wife says, Hello Honey. Rocco would say, how was your day tits? Now, does this girl know that? Hopefully. Even if she does, excusable? At what point does calling a girl tits, a girl whose friend you want to hook up with, lay on the spectrum? I'm going with inappropriate. Oh, and to ice it all, let's just leave a signature at the end. Sure, we know exactly who its coming from cuz you're in our phone, but yeah, toss that signature in there Rocco. Cuz calling someone "tits" didnt reveal your identity. Let's put it this way Rock, Zorro didnt do a Z and then spell it Zoro underneath. He just left the Z. You signing Rockdaddy at the end was the overstatement of the century.
Last but not least, Jimmy and I pledged to use the words ambiguous and daunting in the same sentence in a pick up line for a girl at a bar that night. Now, we may or may not have blogged about this in the past, but whenever we play these games, it never works out for me. This time was no different. She was the coat lady, and I approached her with Jimmy by my side and said. "You'll have to excuse me but I saw you from across the room. Your face looked rather ambiguous as to whether you wanted to be approached tonight, which makes this task all the more daunting, but how is your night going?" While she didnt explicitly shut me down, the conversation lasted about 60 seconds and Jimmy and I left laughing hysterically.
It was my first night out in Central Square and I have to say it was definitely a success. All in all, a pretty good weekend. This weekend, we have the O'Brien bowl and his shitty return to BC.
-- Boosh
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